Who will cry when you die?

Marriage is a hard nut to crack. I had my baby after 5 yrs of being married. I had known my husband for 6 years before that; if that counts. I say that because many times the person you knew before marriage is totally different from the person you married. I was not shocked as such, but as layers revealed themselves, I felt that I should have foreseen this or known better. But the actual realization hit when my son was born. They say that when you have a baby, your marriage hits rock bottom. And this was 100% true in my case. I felt as if I had never known this guy…. I wondered whether he was the same guy I knew for 11 years! Could he have hidden so well that I didn’t recognize him for 11 yrs?

For the first time, I began to wonder what is it that keeps two people together? What actually should keep two people together? Do you see the difference?

For the first one there can be an x number of reasons: societal norms, fear, dependency, responsibilities, family status, etc. I kept pondering over the second question, and my guiding voice reminded me of this incident.

My grandmother passed away within 6 months of my wedding. At her death ceremony, a hall filled with people, many people spoke so much about her achievements. But even after 10 years there is just one thing which I remember very clearly - when my grandfather said about her: she was a wonderful friend to me’. It just touched my heart and that one thing I will never forget.

There lay the answer to my second question. The actual and the only reason for two individuals to choose to live together is companionship, friendship.

If you look at humans, we are not dependent on anyone else in the sense that if I die, my spouse won’t also automatically die. He will live on, you know what I mean. So if we are capable of meeting our needs independently, then what remains is just the sense of being together, the companionship.

Looking back, I think I am lucky to have surpassed the generations where you were supposed to be scared of your husband. Am I being over-optimistic to think that we have surpassed this? Maybe. I seriously didn’t see a point in being scared of my husband. He is as much a human being as I am. If there should be anything, then it should be respect for each other, not fear of each other. I gave my husband the choice - would he rather be respected or feared? He is a clever man, he chose respect. I am not talking about the respect that comes from fear. I am talking about the respect which arises from trust. The respect which gives rise to transparency. Fear makes room for unfaithfulness, deceit, distrust, and many other negative aspects in which no true relationship can survive.

On a funny side, if I were supposed to be scared, then I had better married a lion or tiger. I would have lived my whole life scared of my husband. My lion or tiger husband could have lived a happy life seeing me scared of him ;)

Now, coming to our age-old phrase ‘pati parameshwar’. I seriously have no interest in dwelling on this, so I will finish with just two points.

1. If there is one and only one God who has created all of us, if there is only one creator who resides in us, then how is it that one gender is considered the God and the other is not?

2. If you compare the cosmos and us, we humans are nothing but a tiny speck of dust - you, I, everyone. So how is one spec of dust holier than another? I am intrigued!

On one occasion at the sai center in Winnipeg a person had come to give a spiritual talk (pravachan). After the talk everyone sought his blessings. When we approached him, my DH (Dear Husband) said: “Please put some sense into her brains and bless her to be a good wife.” The best answer came from him, at least I thought so ;). He laughed and said: “In every woman there is sita. For that sita to awaken you need to be Rama first”.

I ask you what could be sadder than, to live your life with a person who never made an effort to know you.

How unfortunate would it be if you had to wait until retirement to understand your spouse when the best years of your life have passed?

How sad would it be if your spouse cursed you after your death or felt that s/he now had the freedom to live his/her actual life?

How sad would it be to realize that, all the while you were busy collecting stones the real gem lay right beside you?

What if this realization happened when your spouse was dead? Would you live the rest of your life in regret?

In my opinion, it doesn’t matter if anyone cries when I die. The one person who should feel my loss should be my spouse.

It doesn’t matter if the whole world didn’t know me. I want one person to celebrate my life and that should be my spouse.

It doesn’t matter what anyone knew about me, thought about me, whether they cursed, abused, blamed, praised me, etc. I want one person to say ‘she always did what was right, stood for what she believed’, and that should be my spouse.

If not, what’s the point of spending your life with a person to whom you don’t matter? What’s the point in you being good for just sex, making babies, cooking, washing, earning money?

What a waste of a person that would be!

The only person who needs to cry when you die is the person with whom you share your life, mind, body, and emotions.

Leave a part of you with your spouse when you have kicked the bucket. May you be the best person your spouse has ever known in his life. Your spouse should say ‘wow, what a life! What a magnificent person there lived.’

Be the best friend and companion to your spouse. Reveal your best self to your better half.

Marriages are made in heaven so that you create heaven out of them on earth. Don’t make them hell.

Marriages are made in heaven so that you create heaven out of them on earth. Don’t make them hell.

Well, about us, have you heard the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’? It was the same with us. We grew stronger than ever. Every setback pushed us to be better people. Every fall has brought more meaning to our lives. We learnt to thrive with the new lessons that life taught us! We continue to grow with the challenges life throws at us. We smile and so does the universe at us, lovingly.

We are the best team ever, as per Adhvai (my almost 4-year-old son).

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